so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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