I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
