Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
