I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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