just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
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His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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