My cat gives me a boner
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
So apparently I’m into choking now
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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