Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
