i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
