i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
