can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
