So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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