i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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