you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
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