i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
