gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
