apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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