Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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