She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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