I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
