So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
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Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
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is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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