All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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