I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
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I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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