Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
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