During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
