If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
