once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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