Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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