Just took my morning after pill in the library
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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