im about as happy as oj after his trial
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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