Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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