Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
