Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
