It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
two words...techno handjob
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
