If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
You may now shotgun with the bride
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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