I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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