Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize