So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.