Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
two words...techno handjob
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?