dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
She swung at the pinata with crutches
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.