last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
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i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
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And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket