He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
