dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
