Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
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Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
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I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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