I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
