i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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