she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
