I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Randomize
