True but thats because hes a fetus.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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