Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
