i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
