i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
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After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
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Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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