all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
worst night to have a conscience
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Blood and glitter go together right?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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