how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Randomize
