My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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