just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Randomize
