please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
