i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
