I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
