Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
the day after is always just damage control
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
