No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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