I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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