its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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